Somebody help me. i am surrounded by all that is good, and yet i live in a realm of pale black. when will i get me back?
i am down to 15 mg a day. i am a fricking school teacher for the love of God. i start teaching music and movement in 9 days!!!
im still in bed. last night was madness. dreams of men standing knee deep in a metal office trash can while laughing men light balled up plastic grocery bags on fire and throw them at the the men. when i would wake up my legs!!!!!! my legs had worms and snakes inside them.
it makes me just want to feel good for one day!! just take 5 pills and feel good. but then, i start over. and over. and over.
i think i will get up and run! run down the street. i will pick some affirmation like, "my body is healing, my life is full of love." run and chant. run and chant.....sweating out the little beads of toxic junk.......little by little.........bleeding them out. Get the fuck out of my body!
thanks holleygirl for reading this. who are you? i haven't written in like a week, i haven't felt like it. i didn't think anyone was reading it, and an audience is needed for this pain fest is it not? just one witness. holleygirl, you made me smile..........checking up on me? that is very cool.
3 comments:
Hey there Turtlelove:
I know it's been awhile, sorry! Your still here, yea..!! I usually check everyday to every other day to see if you have added anything new, but my 14 yr. old daughter has kept me from almost doing anything! I see you are haveing a rough time right now, could you possibly go to the clinic on fall brake, since you are a teacher, or do you have to be there anyways? It is so very important that you get some kind of help to finish the rest of the way!!! I'm glad that you have not given up and are still trying though!!! It's okay that you had to go back up on the dose, it was for the time for your own good!!!It must be hell feeling the way you do and going through all of that, how do your possible teach and put up with all the kids feeling like that? You seem to be a tough person to be able to still teach like you are. Do your student's know what is going on with you? What state are you in? Are you married? If so, how is she and your family handleing all of this, I hope that they all are very supportive. I wish I could help you in some way, I hate knowing that you or anyone has to go through what you do to get off this kind of stuff and other's. I personally have never been through it, the strongest med that I have ever been on was the Fentanyl patch and it threw me for a loop. LOL...My only problem is with changeing med's of Lexapro to Cymbalta. My mother drives me crazy and if I didn't take something to help me calm down sometimes, I think that I would probably hurt her!!! LOL But I am just somebody who wants to help anyone that needs it, through being here for them to talk to and try to make them feel better mentally anyways. I like to make people smile and let them know that they are here for a reason and that life can be so good. Well I think I will go now since I have almost written a book here, seems like I am just rambleing on and on!!! You keep in touch, ok? Don't give up, considering the dose you were on to begin with and what you are on now, to me you have come a long way and are doing well. Just remember that at the end when you don't have to take the methadone anymore, how good you will feel, how clean your body will be and you mind, no more feeling like hell etc...at least I hope not! I will talk with you later, ok?
Take care until then,
Holleygirl
Holleygirl
If you ever read this- Thank you!!
I made I through this/. I'm super happy and healthy:). Your concern, words, and empathy meant more to me than you will ever know.
Hope you are good
John
Turtlecolor
Let me know you are good
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