turtlecolor is now methadone free. okay that is a lie...............he hasn't taken it in two days, so it still is networking through his body until one of the organs that filters decides to filter that last little bead of hellfire. oh, if i could only know when that last little bead falls from some pore on my face or in the hairy adventure of my arm pit.........i would throw a party! and i will invite doctor kevorkian just in case he needs some work. no no, a joke, ha ha, so funny.
my body aches, my tummy rumbles, my skin sweats, my muscles move slooowwwww, and gravity sure is turned way up. but i havn't taken methadone in two days!!!! and if i need it, i will go on a suboxone program i scheduled for on friday. but what if i don't want to get on suboxone, and just start running and jogging and doing cartwheels until the 40 pounds i gained while taking this shit is gone and i am running around local parks in a speedo! oh what a dream. what a fabulous and attainanable dream. not just for me, but for the whole community.
thanks all who have been there. holleygirl soon you will check again this page i hope and know i will survive. and then i can stop thinking about me me me all the time, and start living a life with all the the other creatures........................okay i am a teacher and have a wonderful family, so i don't think about me me me, but i have been dealing with this this this for way too long. a year and a half of a compromised life..............................three more days, i can do it!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, September 2, 2007
back from hell
last week i almost lost my mind. i went into such a withdrawal as to loose my mind. i was vomiting, shaking, crying, scared. i couldn't imagine a world with joy or energy. my will to survive was being questioned.
i called my doctor, who told me to go back up to 20-mg of methadone. as soon as i did, i was almost fine. it was a near death experience for me. no longer will i take life for granted.
the problem is that i lost the little war....i had to go back up. all of that suffering was for not.
my doctor said i should go into a clinic and take suboxone to get off this stuff, but due to my teaching job, taking off a week to be institutionalized is and was not a possibility.
so now i am going to try again, and this time going down by 2.5 mg increments. wish me luck, and i hope everyone going to through the same thing will do so with strength, courage and a little help from friends and family. love, turtlecolor
i called my doctor, who told me to go back up to 20-mg of methadone. as soon as i did, i was almost fine. it was a near death experience for me. no longer will i take life for granted.
the problem is that i lost the little war....i had to go back up. all of that suffering was for not.
my doctor said i should go into a clinic and take suboxone to get off this stuff, but due to my teaching job, taking off a week to be institutionalized is and was not a possibility.
so now i am going to try again, and this time going down by 2.5 mg increments. wish me luck, and i hope everyone going to through the same thing will do so with strength, courage and a little help from friends and family. love, turtlecolor
Saturday, August 25, 2007
holleygirl
Somebody help me. i am surrounded by all that is good, and yet i live in a realm of pale black. when will i get me back?
i am down to 15 mg a day. i am a fricking school teacher for the love of God. i start teaching music and movement in 9 days!!!
im still in bed. last night was madness. dreams of men standing knee deep in a metal office trash can while laughing men light balled up plastic grocery bags on fire and throw them at the the men. when i would wake up my legs!!!!!! my legs had worms and snakes inside them.
it makes me just want to feel good for one day!! just take 5 pills and feel good. but then, i start over. and over. and over.
i think i will get up and run! run down the street. i will pick some affirmation like, "my body is healing, my life is full of love." run and chant. run and chant.....sweating out the little beads of toxic junk.......little by little.........bleeding them out. Get the fuck out of my body!
thanks holleygirl for reading this. who are you? i haven't written in like a week, i haven't felt like it. i didn't think anyone was reading it, and an audience is needed for this pain fest is it not? just one witness. holleygirl, you made me smile..........checking up on me? that is very cool.
i am down to 15 mg a day. i am a fricking school teacher for the love of God. i start teaching music and movement in 9 days!!!
im still in bed. last night was madness. dreams of men standing knee deep in a metal office trash can while laughing men light balled up plastic grocery bags on fire and throw them at the the men. when i would wake up my legs!!!!!! my legs had worms and snakes inside them.
it makes me just want to feel good for one day!! just take 5 pills and feel good. but then, i start over. and over. and over.
i think i will get up and run! run down the street. i will pick some affirmation like, "my body is healing, my life is full of love." run and chant. run and chant.....sweating out the little beads of toxic junk.......little by little.........bleeding them out. Get the fuck out of my body!
thanks holleygirl for reading this. who are you? i haven't written in like a week, i haven't felt like it. i didn't think anyone was reading it, and an audience is needed for this pain fest is it not? just one witness. holleygirl, you made me smile..........checking up on me? that is very cool.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
back to back pain
bounce, romp, lung, step, and scream. thats me coming down the steps until, as i hit the floor, i pinch my sciatic nerve and i crumble into a jumbled mass. oh yeah, thats why i started taking methadone......the chronic pain.
so what happens when i am done taking methadone and i am in terrible pain? maybe i should just stay on methadone? maybe i am the perfect candidate for being on a daily dose of the junk?
shall i thank Hitler for such a grand sceme of pain psychosis?
Methadone, a History:
Methadone was first synthesized by German scientists during World War II after the United States and their allies cut off the opium supply to Germany. Methadone was not the only drug that was synthesized at this time. The drugs demerol and darvon, both similar to methadone, were also developed during this time. Once common misconception about methadone, or dolophine, was that it was named after Adolf Hitler. This is untrue. Dolophine was named after the Latin root "dolor," which is used in medicine to measure pain, 1 dolor=1 unit of pain. Methadone was found to have quite the same affects as Morphine and Heroin, although it was much different chemically.
Methadone was brought into the United States in 1947, and has been used primarily as a treatment for narcotic addictions, primarily heroin. Methadone was soon found to have a much longer effect than morphine drugs, it's effects lasting up to 24 hours. This constraint was taken into great consideration by heroin detoxification and maintenance programs, and the administration of this drug is still only allowed once a day.
Methadone was later found to be equally effective when taken orally or by injection. Along the years a few not so great affects of methadone were discovered. First, quite like heroin, dependence can develop, and withdrawal symptoms can occur when the drug is not received. The dependence was found to form much slower than that of heroin or morphine, and the withdrawal was not as severe, but was much more prolonged than that of heroin or morphine. Due to these affects, methadone has been sold illegally, and has been associated with many overdose deaths.
Today methadone is still used as a treatment for heroin addicts, and by law:
Methadone is DEA schedule II. The Federal definition of a schedule II substance is:
·Has a high potential for abuse.
·Has a currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States, or a currently accepted medical use with severe restrictions.
·Abuse of the drug or other substance may lead to severe psychological or physical dependence.
reference: http://web1.caryacademy.org/chemistry/rushin/StudentProjects/CompoundWebSites/2001/Methadone/history.htm
so what happens when i am done taking methadone and i am in terrible pain? maybe i should just stay on methadone? maybe i am the perfect candidate for being on a daily dose of the junk?
shall i thank Hitler for such a grand sceme of pain psychosis?
Methadone, a History:
Methadone was first synthesized by German scientists during World War II after the United States and their allies cut off the opium supply to Germany. Methadone was not the only drug that was synthesized at this time. The drugs demerol and darvon, both similar to methadone, were also developed during this time. Once common misconception about methadone, or dolophine, was that it was named after Adolf Hitler. This is untrue. Dolophine was named after the Latin root "dolor," which is used in medicine to measure pain, 1 dolor=1 unit of pain. Methadone was found to have quite the same affects as Morphine and Heroin, although it was much different chemically.
Methadone was brought into the United States in 1947, and has been used primarily as a treatment for narcotic addictions, primarily heroin. Methadone was soon found to have a much longer effect than morphine drugs, it's effects lasting up to 24 hours. This constraint was taken into great consideration by heroin detoxification and maintenance programs, and the administration of this drug is still only allowed once a day.
Methadone was later found to be equally effective when taken orally or by injection. Along the years a few not so great affects of methadone were discovered. First, quite like heroin, dependence can develop, and withdrawal symptoms can occur when the drug is not received. The dependence was found to form much slower than that of heroin or morphine, and the withdrawal was not as severe, but was much more prolonged than that of heroin or morphine. Due to these affects, methadone has been sold illegally, and has been associated with many overdose deaths.
Today methadone is still used as a treatment for heroin addicts, and by law:
Methadone is DEA schedule II. The Federal definition of a schedule II substance is:
·Has a high potential for abuse.
·Has a currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States, or a currently accepted medical use with severe restrictions.
·Abuse of the drug or other substance may lead to severe psychological or physical dependence.
reference: http://web1.caryacademy.org/chemistry/rushin/StudentProjects/CompoundWebSites/2001/Methadone/history.htm
Saturday, August 11, 2007
day tree
its the day tree. it starts at the base....the roots. i wake up, and i feel like someone went at me with a baseball bat, and their hitting percentage is like . 695 with eight home runs. pretty good with a bat. and then my day branches out. my choices all have a haze on them. its summer remember, no big responsibilities.
so my first branch is nutrition right? wrong. i haven't been hungry for a while, so i first have to get this taste out of my mouth. orange juice, a cigarette.
second branch. i throw some headphones on, and i'm walking down the street. sunshine. the blood feels like its pooled in my feet and hands, and i'm looking like one of those heavy-breathing speed walkers trying to use the art of centrifuge and sloshing blood. i do have a funky step going with the music, arctic monkeys, have they ever been down with drugs like this?
third branch. water. thirsty. grab my guitar and spit out a spontaneous song i now will call, "she runs like horses". she runs, she dips, lots of hair on her hips......she juggles, the waves, she's livin, in caves.....shes my oyster of circumstance, she doesn't judge, she doesn't dance...... she's feelin the forces....she's runnin like horses. no, its not pretty, but neither am i.
fourth branch. okay, i lied. i am pretty. but i feel like shit. i'm lying in bed at this stage, feelin a little pitiful, feeling a little sorry for myself. lets see, if i take 8 pills today, i could take two tomorrow, and hope that the 8 today would carry some smile tomorrow. i could then add the fourth day divided by the 8th day, and then have three on sunday......you see, the pill junk is a master of mathematics. but no, just keep the status quo. just keep it slow with no glow, billy.
fifth branch. harry potter reading. hermione, quite whining. i am going to go finish off the last little harry potter pages, where little harry potter running to and fro saves all of us from magical bigots and witches made of whiny selfish fleshy masses that smell of sin and forgotten clotheslines.
sixth branch. i forgot to mention i didn't sleep well. you see i had nightmares and hallucinations and butter encrusted french pastry pilgrimages to the kitchen. oh, the horra. lots of prayers again. sometimes i sleep without my face inside out . i wrote this poem on a magazine corner.
sometimes i sleep without my face inside out .
and i am sure that you little white pillies
swam with me in waters dark and full of sleepy fishes
and i drank wine tonight with friends
now sleeping at their lonely houses with their faces inside out
notice the reference to pillies. yes, pillies are pill friends, who over time turn into pill enemies who carve into your soul a tattoo of lucifer and his girlfriend Crampedbowel.
i am going to go sleep now, its some time before evening, maybe even before noon, i dont know. but i love you guys, and hope you are well.
turtlecolor
so my first branch is nutrition right? wrong. i haven't been hungry for a while, so i first have to get this taste out of my mouth. orange juice, a cigarette.
second branch. i throw some headphones on, and i'm walking down the street. sunshine. the blood feels like its pooled in my feet and hands, and i'm looking like one of those heavy-breathing speed walkers trying to use the art of centrifuge and sloshing blood. i do have a funky step going with the music, arctic monkeys, have they ever been down with drugs like this?
third branch. water. thirsty. grab my guitar and spit out a spontaneous song i now will call, "she runs like horses". she runs, she dips, lots of hair on her hips......she juggles, the waves, she's livin, in caves.....shes my oyster of circumstance, she doesn't judge, she doesn't dance...... she's feelin the forces....she's runnin like horses. no, its not pretty, but neither am i.
fourth branch. okay, i lied. i am pretty. but i feel like shit. i'm lying in bed at this stage, feelin a little pitiful, feeling a little sorry for myself. lets see, if i take 8 pills today, i could take two tomorrow, and hope that the 8 today would carry some smile tomorrow. i could then add the fourth day divided by the 8th day, and then have three on sunday......you see, the pill junk is a master of mathematics. but no, just keep the status quo. just keep it slow with no glow, billy.
fifth branch. harry potter reading. hermione, quite whining. i am going to go finish off the last little harry potter pages, where little harry potter running to and fro saves all of us from magical bigots and witches made of whiny selfish fleshy masses that smell of sin and forgotten clotheslines.
sixth branch. i forgot to mention i didn't sleep well. you see i had nightmares and hallucinations and butter encrusted french pastry pilgrimages to the kitchen. oh, the horra. lots of prayers again. sometimes i sleep without my face inside out . i wrote this poem on a magazine corner.
sometimes i sleep without my face inside out .
and i am sure that you little white pillies
swam with me in waters dark and full of sleepy fishes
and i drank wine tonight with friends
now sleeping at their lonely houses with their faces inside out
notice the reference to pillies. yes, pillies are pill friends, who over time turn into pill enemies who carve into your soul a tattoo of lucifer and his girlfriend Crampedbowel.
i am going to go sleep now, its some time before evening, maybe even before noon, i dont know. but i love you guys, and hope you are well.
turtlecolor
Thursday, August 9, 2007
kik it
alright yous. this is it. i am kikin it. i am in the middle of detoxification. you are comin with me. so get on your galoshes, smudge your sage crags, and hang on your chest some power encrusted talisman, cuz this human frame is subjecting itself to the hells of chemical science.
methadone. ive been chomping little cute pills for a year. i have a ruptured disc in my back, and pills saved my job. i'm a frickin school teacher for the love of God!!! but family doctor chem richardson assured me, "a diabetic takes insulin, a manic takes antidepressants, an englishman takes his tea at the noon hour, and you my friend, swallow methadone."
how did i get here? i had major rushes of nerve pain down my back, networking down the nerve tributaries of my legs, and making me feel as if i wanted to die. i take a couple little betties, and walla: dove coos and daisy chains, aaahhhhh, pain free, love and rainbow colored horses, yes. i don't remember feelin bad at all, do you? life is lovely, and i think i actually feel better than when i felt better. pills, good. pain, bad. can you hand me acouple more betties, i think i feel a spat of pain comin on?
i went from clean old reliable (rather attractive and stoic) billy jean turtlecolor (my name has been changed to protect the guilty), to pill-dependent hard working does-what-he-has-to getting through the day billy, to methadone addicted self-serving pill-popping bloated son of biotch.
now im going to go back to clean and sexy-like because 51% of my psyche voted it in. Oh yes, its fully democratic, and holy shit was that a historic day in the life of I. over half of meself was quite sure of going clean, and ive been beating off the other 49% with sticks and knives. the civil war of my mind might have been shrouded in some historic hue, some glorious warrior nobleisms, some chivalrous proclamation, perhaps even some fine maiden jumping in the story in chapter twelve, if it weren't for the constipating, cramping, sweating, vomiting, shaking, feverish worms of withdrawal!!
right now i can't sleep! i feel as if i am in a coffin, my legs have this anxiety driven madness to them.......a closterphobic incantation. ahhh! my fucking legs!!! oh, it hurts, i can't take it anymore...........
okay legs, stop that shit, your fine, your fine, its just that those betties did a number on you, and you miss them. well, actually you miss the quantity of them. my legs have no rational sense, they stare at me for a bit, and then go back to torturing me mind. "here mind, im sending up eight hundred and forty two pain sensations. the first three hundred would kill a small goat, and the next five hundred and forty will make you cry for your mommy's sweet little sympathies."
pills are great aren't they? i still am eating them, just smaller portions. hey billy, please take smaller portions, and don't forget to pray before your meal. ive never prayed so much in me life betty.........i have never called on all of gods as i have now, over and over, God, gods, spirits, the earl of sandwich, anybody with a helping hand or a fine condiment ridden slab of protein. and not one, but all came! and they all entered me body, and now the gods are all in my legs beating the shit out of each other. and the earl of sandwich is stuck halfway down my ass, and i know this because i haven't sheet in three days. oh , lord, what will become of me?
so, whose with me? together we shall triumph over the world of chemical. now that we know what part of us is chemical, we go deeper.
kikin it
turtlecolor
methadone. ive been chomping little cute pills for a year. i have a ruptured disc in my back, and pills saved my job. i'm a frickin school teacher for the love of God!!! but family doctor chem richardson assured me, "a diabetic takes insulin, a manic takes antidepressants, an englishman takes his tea at the noon hour, and you my friend, swallow methadone."
how did i get here? i had major rushes of nerve pain down my back, networking down the nerve tributaries of my legs, and making me feel as if i wanted to die. i take a couple little betties, and walla: dove coos and daisy chains, aaahhhhh, pain free, love and rainbow colored horses, yes. i don't remember feelin bad at all, do you? life is lovely, and i think i actually feel better than when i felt better. pills, good. pain, bad. can you hand me acouple more betties, i think i feel a spat of pain comin on?
i went from clean old reliable (rather attractive and stoic) billy jean turtlecolor (my name has been changed to protect the guilty), to pill-dependent hard working does-what-he-has-to getting through the day billy, to methadone addicted self-serving pill-popping bloated son of biotch.
now im going to go back to clean and sexy-like because 51% of my psyche voted it in. Oh yes, its fully democratic, and holy shit was that a historic day in the life of I. over half of meself was quite sure of going clean, and ive been beating off the other 49% with sticks and knives. the civil war of my mind might have been shrouded in some historic hue, some glorious warrior nobleisms, some chivalrous proclamation, perhaps even some fine maiden jumping in the story in chapter twelve, if it weren't for the constipating, cramping, sweating, vomiting, shaking, feverish worms of withdrawal!!
right now i can't sleep! i feel as if i am in a coffin, my legs have this anxiety driven madness to them.......a closterphobic incantation. ahhh! my fucking legs!!! oh, it hurts, i can't take it anymore...........
okay legs, stop that shit, your fine, your fine, its just that those betties did a number on you, and you miss them. well, actually you miss the quantity of them. my legs have no rational sense, they stare at me for a bit, and then go back to torturing me mind. "here mind, im sending up eight hundred and forty two pain sensations. the first three hundred would kill a small goat, and the next five hundred and forty will make you cry for your mommy's sweet little sympathies."
pills are great aren't they? i still am eating them, just smaller portions. hey billy, please take smaller portions, and don't forget to pray before your meal. ive never prayed so much in me life betty.........i have never called on all of gods as i have now, over and over, God, gods, spirits, the earl of sandwich, anybody with a helping hand or a fine condiment ridden slab of protein. and not one, but all came! and they all entered me body, and now the gods are all in my legs beating the shit out of each other. and the earl of sandwich is stuck halfway down my ass, and i know this because i haven't sheet in three days. oh , lord, what will become of me?
so, whose with me? together we shall triumph over the world of chemical. now that we know what part of us is chemical, we go deeper.
kikin it
turtlecolor
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